Gratitude in Grief

It seems like an odd concept- gratitude in grief.  I’ve been reading all about gratitude and giving thanks as fall is settling into our lives.  But this season hasn’t brought thoughts of thankfulness and gratitude for me in a long time.

Definition of Gratitude

Gratitude (noun):  a feeling of thankfulness and appreciation.

That’s a simple enough definition, right?  Last Thanksgiving I wrote a blog post about being filled with gratitude to God for His many blessings to me.  I quoted this verse:

“Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you who belong to Christ Jesus.” 1 Thessalonians 5:18

I know in my heart that He diligently watches over me, loves me and cares for me. I give thanks to Him each morning in my prayer time for all His blessings.

Whatever happens, God wants us to live with the power of Jesus in us. It’s what sets us apart and gives us our strength.  So you’d think I would be filled with gratitude and living it out, right?

Here’s some encouragement for you:  I write about God’s goodness and glory every week, and there are still times I don’t apply it to my life.  I struggle with stuff.  And the change of seasons to fall is one of them.

God whispered a word to me a few weeks ago that I already knew but hadn’t applied to this particular area of my life.

“Gratitude.”

Grieving My Mom’s Death

My Mom passed away 17 years ago.  It was as if a nuclear blast occurred in my family’s lives. One day she was planting flowers, and a few hours later, she died.  How could this be?  She was an active, vibrant woman with strong Danish/German genes.  She was a tough “farm girl” who was at most times, hard to keep up with.   She was the glue that held our family together and losing her was just impossible to believe.

I remember begging God to let me just dream of her.  I wanted to “see” her. Heaven became an obsession.  What was it like? What was she doing?  We all craved her physical presence but had to make do with a piece of clothing or jewelry.

Stuck in Grief

For 17 fall seasons, I have grieved and relived her unexpected passing. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. But while no one should tell you how to grieve, it was a slow process for me from those raw, early days.  It lessened, but every fall seemed to bring me down.  Winter, spring, and summer were even-keeled. But fall? Depressing. The last few years have seemed to have gotten worse, not better, and this year was no different.

While doing my “fall cleaning” this year, I found my journal from the time of her passing.

10/17/02:  “3 weeks have passed.  Life is just dull- emotions, thought, season.  I was never fond of fall.  Now I dislike it even more. The leaves fall off the trees and even though their colors are beautiful, it seems like death.  Everything is dying off.  No warmth. “

Those same emotions come back as fresh as ever. “Here we go again“, I thought. I don’t want to feel this way forever. This year I was craving peace and rest.

And God whispered, “Gratitude.”

Gratitude Within Grief

It was as if He was giving me a choice.  I could stay in 2002 every fall, or I could feel gratitude for the life she had while here on earth.  That word rolled around in my head for a while.   I slowly began to replace some of my grief with gratitude for who my Mom was, and the memories we made. It was as if He reminded me that grieving is ok, but I was forgetting to honor her life.

Honoring Life

I grieved that she has three granddaughters she will never know.

But I give thanks for the grandchildren she knew, cherished, and loved.

 It comforts me to think so.

My Mom will be able to love all her grandchildren in eternity.

My Mom loved to travel.  I grieved that she’s missing out on girl’s trips with us- she would have been the first to pack her bag and make her reservations no matter how old she was!  But I am thankful for the many trips she took with my Dad and the times they traveled to see us.

I realize now that she’d never give up her life in heaven for a few fantastic vacations here on earth!

I grieved not being able to talk to her and have her help.  She gave me such practical advice and shared her life knowledge with me.

But I’m thankful for all the conversations we had, and the memories I have of them. 

She used to write me letters every week, and while I wish I had saved them, her last letter to me came after her death. When I returned from her out of state funeral, the letter was waiting for me.  I couldn’t even open it for days.

Now I love to see the envelope with her writing on it.  I smile when I reread the cheery note she wrote to me.

Healing Grief and Loss

Not having her here on earth is still painful.  But taking the time to remember what I can be thankful for brings a new perspective.  Celebrating who she was, what she shared in our lives, and the memories I cherish can bring thanks and comfort now.

God led me to a place of gratitude for the time and memories I had with my mom, but He wasn’t finished.

Thoughts of Heaven

He opened my eyes to see that I can be thankful for the promises awaiting us in heaven, too.  He gave me a new appreciation of her life in heaven now, and that she is missing out on absolutely nothing here on earth.  I’m comforted (and so excited!) when I picture our family reunion that will take place on heaven’s shores!

And as a bonus gift, He gave me this verse:

1 Thessalonians 4:13, NLT- “And now, dear brothers and sisters, we want you to know what will happen to the believers who have died so you will not grieve like people who have no hope.”

Next to this passage, I had written in my Bible: “Healthy people cry.  God’s Word never said we were not to grieve our losses.  It says we are not to grieve as those who have no hope.  BIG DIFFERENCE.”

If we love here on earth, then the painful separations from our loved ones are inevitable.  The overwhelming grief I felt, in the beginning, did give way to manageable grief.  I still longed for her but I felt her comforting presence each spring when the lilies of the valley, irises, and peonies she shared with me bloomed.  I’m not sure how it happened, but for quite a few years, my garden of purple irises would burst forth with a pink one!  It was as if she was saying hello!

Finding Hope in Grief

I’m so thankful that this fall, as I went to war with myself over the change of season, that God whispered “gratitude” to me.   I can still grieve my Mom.  But it can also coincide with hope.  I can start with finding gratitude in my grief.  I know it won’t be an overnight process.  It’s not a “one size fits all” concept that works the same for everyone. But after all these years, I feel His comfort in a new way.

I’m starting small but can already feel a difference.

And for that, I am grateful.

Blessings of Hope,

AnnMarie

You may like these posts on the subject too:

God Provides a Time for Every Season: Why this should bring us Comfort

How to Overcome The Anniversary Effect of Trauma